While it is easy to mock the accents of Doug and Bob Mackenzie, few are able to properly differentiate between a Canadian and an American. While both inhabit the same block of the continent, they are sharply different, each a product of how they came to statehood. While Americans rebelled against King George, the Canadian pioneers waited patiently for their time to arrive. Even after getting independence, we still maintained strong relations with the Queen, refusing to burn bridges while others were eager to do so.
Of course I am going to offend someone so please insert the typical caveat here. If you are really offended, you can call up Prime Minister Trudeau and ask him to write me a firm letter. All I ask is that the letter is given in both official languages, so I can feel shame in a uniquely Canadian fashion.
Do All Canadians live in igloos? While all Canadians are known to prefer this frozen housing arrangement, only the richest Canucks can afford their own ice palace. Trudeau has announced a new ice block tax, causing outrage among citizens coast to coast. There are alternative parties advocating for a social igloo program but it hasn’t gotten any traction. Every time progress is made, they slide right on down.
Do all Canadians say “aboot” instead of “about”? Again, yes. The biological construction of the Canadian mouth is unable to say this vowel, having to compensate in an especially funny fashion. While American have tried to teach us how to vocalize the “owe” sound, it just sounds more flamboyant and ridiculous.
Are all Canadians good at hockey? While, yes. Yes we are. We come out of our mother’s wombs wearing skates, causing some discomfort upon exit. Canadian moms complain of being jabbed from the inside, an acute pain caused by a mini baby hockey stick. In fact, some mothers complain that they do not get enough of these jabs, suggesting that their child will not advance to the NHL. These are problems, Canadian problems.
Are all Canadians lumberjacks? Well, just the men. Even though the women do the same work, there is some cultural pushback on this issue. Even if the woman does all the logging, it is the man who reserves the right to use this title. The truth is that the title isn’t assigned to people working in the lumber industry, instead it is given to men who wear the plaid overcoat. As per Canadian law, if a business executive wears this ethnic attire, he too is a lumberjack. At least until he takes off the outfit.
Do Canadians only eat Tim Hortons? This is the only incorrect stereotype of this list. While Canadians consume over 80 percent of their diet from this drive thru staple, we also eat Nanaimo bars, butter cups, and smoked meat sandwiches. While poutine is a common sight on most dinner takes, this Canadian Jew must abstain. While I can eat a vegetarian edition-with mushroom gravy-it feels too taboo to consider. The Canadian way is to steer on the side of caution, not taking risks that have little consequences. Canadian hospitals have announced a new remedy for homesickness, delivering an intravenous dose of Timmies right into the bloodstream. Despite being a mild inconvenience, it is still cheaper than flying in Celine Dion.
Which ones of these stereotypes did you get right?
